did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Acid is not a monday night drug
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
