that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
