I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
