Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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