I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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