Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
