Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
