4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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