She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
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Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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