I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
