4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
