i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
