Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
