he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
