Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
