he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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