sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
