I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
