the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
