i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
