he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
