At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
