Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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