I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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