Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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