Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
