you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
