So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
