I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I smell stomach acid.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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