There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
