everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
