You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
