So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
