Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
