Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
