finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
