dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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