I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
