My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
