my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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