I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
