some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
