i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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