I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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