i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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