3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
