So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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