i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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