was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
