Non-Jews are for practice
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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