there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
