my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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