ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
