Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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