Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
