you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
