And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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