i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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